The Haves & The Have-Nots

Whenever I travel to a new place, I try to do so with an open mind -- appreciating it for what it is, without a pre-conceived notion of what it will be like, compared with home.  Nothing drives me more insane than traveling alongside a person who is constantly "educating" the locals, saying, "Well, in the States, bla bla bla."  Newsflash:  You're not in the States.  That's the whole point.  Why are you even traveling, if all you want is air-conditioning, your cushy Barcalounger, and a Starbucks on every corner?  No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're all spoiled and ignorant and ethno-centric.  I spent my first couple of weeks in Nairobi cringing, listening to a well-intentioned, but still very much Open-mouth/Insert-foot colleague actually SAY to multiple Kenyans that he "can't believe how civilized it is here" (?!) and how he "couldn't get over how developed some parts of Kenya are," that he "really was expecting dirt roads and mud huts with thatched roofs."  This, of course, after inquiring several times as to whether or not it was ok for us to walk around in perfectly normal, crowded areas in broad daylight or "if we would we get kidnapped at knifepoint." Oh. My. God.  Turn off the National Geographic Channel already.  Sure, it's a good idea to be aware of your surroundings and to take the proper precautions, but any person with 2 brain cells to rub together is already doing that anyway, regardless of where you are.  Hell, parts of Atlanta aren't exactly a picnic in the park either.  And we've all seen how insane the soccer moms at Target can get on Black Friday.  I hate to burst your Stepford Bubble, but you're aren't 100% safe anyhere, people.  There are crazies all over
the place.

Anyway, since I arrived in Kenya with very little idea of what to expect, I have been constantly surprised at the little things I'm finding out -- either things that they do have here, or things that they don't.  So to that end, I give you my ever-expanding list of Kenyan Haves & Have-Nots:

The Haves...

• Fancy Shopping Malls -- We're talking Phipps Plaza fancy.  This is Westgate Mall.  It's Israeli-owned (and therefore massively security-obsessed...i.e., they search your purse before you walk in the door, search your car before you drive in the parking deck, and have rifle-toting guards patrolling the inside.  You should see the Israeli Embassy!) and super nice and shiny and clean.  It's also home to one of our favorite lunch spots, the best grocery store, the big movie theater, and a few other of the beloved places which I'll mention in a minute.

• American Pop Culture/Music -- It's everywhere.  Some new, some old.  Some decent, some hilariously bad.  My spinning teacher the other night had a hysterical techno remix of Kansas' "Dust In The Wind" on his iPod.  I nearly died.  I think my personal favorite is that John, my driver, is obsessed with Dolly Parton.
  OBSESSED.  As in, I'd say 3 out of 5 times that I hop in the car, her CD is playing.  He has her as his ringtone on his phone.  I asked him the other day if he'd ever seen any of her movies, and he said no.  I have GOT to find a way to get this man a copy of Steel Magnolias, stat.
• Traffic -- SERIOUS traffic.  Not sure why it never occurred to me that they would have traffic before, but sweet LORD can the roads get backed up around here.  I won't say it's worse than Atlanta, but the lack of infrastructure definitely doesn't help anything.  There are no real traffic lights to speak of, tons of troublesome round-a-bouts (which are frequently controlled by cops who stand there and do whatever they want, or whatever someone is paying them off to do, or nothing at all), and no lane lines painted on the roads, so at any given time, there may be 2 lanes, or there may be 12.  It just depends on how crowded the road is and how badly people are trying to pack in.  There are days it has taken us literally 2 hours to go less than 4 miles.  It's amazing.  And you can forget getting anywhere if the President is going somewhere.  If that dude is on the move, the rest of the city effectively shuts down.  They should seriously consider getting him a helicopter...
• Trivia Night -- Aaron and Kaarli participate in a terribly competitive weekly trivia tournament with other ex-pats who are here working either at the Embassy, at USAID with Kaarli, as diplomats, etc.  At first, I was really stoked about this (I love trivia!), but after hearing about the kind of nonsense that goes on at this shin-dig, it seems to be far less fun than it should be.  Basically, the teams are made up of career foreign service people, and the previous week's winner makes up the questions, so it seems to be a chest-puffing contest of See How Much Smarter and More Worldly I am Than You.  An "average" score is evidently around 50%.  (How is that possible, by the way?  That's a failing grade in school.)  At any rate, definitely NOT your typical "pick on the drunk fools at Mellow Mushroom" Thursday trivia night.  Example:  Categories this week included Currency, Airport Codes, and Sports.  The Currency round was a picture round.  None of the pictures had ANY Roman characters on them...either Arabic or Asian languages.  The Airport codes were all of those little things in Eastern Europe that no one can keep straight.  You know, all of the things that end in -via and -stan.  And Sports.  Aaron thought he'd hit the jackpot, except that most of the questions involved horse-racing.  Their team answered right around half of the questions correctly and was 6th out of 17 teams.  What fun is that? 
• Hustle Men -- If you aren't familiar with this term, you're not the only one...but you know what they are. Shout out to my friend Ricquel who taught me that the "hustle man" is the guy who hangs out on the street corner selling random stuff: sunglasses, shoes, boiled peanuts (YUM), umbrellas, whatever.  Just hustlin'.  Well the hustle men here take it to a whole new level.  On any given day, you'll be sitting in the car, and you'll see guys in the middle of the road selling maps, placemats, toy cars made out of twisted wire, giant teddy bears, bananas, bootleg movies, fire extinguishers, flowers, fuzzy kittens and puppies (I am unable to handle this one and have to look out the other window), whatever.  It's the most bizarre conglomeration of things you've ever seen.  I think my favorite so far was the day I looked up and, immediately outside my window was a guy holding what looked like the giant plastic barrell-ish container that cheese puffs come in from Sam's, full of water, with a goldfish in it.  I should have asked him how much it cost -- it could've been my Kenyan pet -- but John and I were too busy laughing about it.
• Trouble-Making Kids -- This is clearly no change from anywhere else in the world, but for some reason, these particular kids make me very sad.  There are the normal, sit-around-and-do-nothing kids.  There are the beg-on-the-side-of-the-road kids.  And then there are the ones who either sit and do nothing or wander aimlessly, because they're high as a kite.  But not because they've been smoking weed like any other normal 15 year old who's skipping school.  These kids lay around in the grass in the middle of the round-a-bouts and sniff glue until they can barely keep their eyes open.  You can see them holding the bottles under their noses and then stuffing them in their pockets as they walk towards you.  Some of them pass out face down in the grass and lie there so still that you're not sure if they're dead or alive.  The ones who are up and moving are really the only people around here who make me nervous.  They're actually the only people Aaron's even warned me about.  When we drive through the places where they hang out, he rolls our windows up and always tells me to "be careful around those kids; they're dangerous."  And if Aaron doesn't take an opportunity to use something to play a joke on me, it must be bad.
• Hibachi -- My fellow UGA alumni will understand what I mean when I say it's no Inoko, but they do have a pretty decent hibachi/sushi place here.  What's funny about it is that it's owned by the same people who own Westgate Mall, where it sits, and it's home to a weekly Salsa night.  An Israeli-owned Japanese restaurant that hosts Cuban dancing night.  In Kenya.  Sure, ok. 
• Fro Yo -- The build-your-own frozen yogurt craze has made it to Kenya.  As of now, there's only one store open in Nairobi, which results in massive lines all the time, but Aaron and I did spot a "Coming Soon -- Planet Yogurt" sign in Westgate Mall the other day.  The phone call to Preggo Kaarli could not be made fast enough.
• KFC -- They may not have Starbucks (which would do remarkably well here, by the way), and McDonald's has somehow shockingly not yet taken over the Kenyan world, but they do have 2 new Kentucky Fried Chickens.  And they LOVE it...to the tune of lines out the door that are an hour long.  It is also rumored that Westgate Mall will be getting a 3rd KFC location at some point in the near-distant future. Fro yo and KFC?  They aren't going to know what's hit them.

• British Special K -- The first day I was here, Aaron and Kaarli took me to the grocery store, and one of the things they warned me about was how gross most of the cereal is.  They said not to even bother trying any of the Kenyan cereal, just to go ahead and get the absurdly over-priced ($7-$9 US/box) imported cereal.  Now, this will make sense to almost no one reading this, but just so you know, one of the few things England actually DOES do better than we do is make Special K.  (They will tell you they do everything better than we do).  I don't know what it is, but their Special K is heartier, and crunchier, and more flavorful.  Everything about it is just...better.  It was one of my favorite things about living in London, and I was so stoked to discover that the Special K they have here is imported from the UK!  I just may have to see about smuggling some back home with me.  Shhh...
• Nestle Quik -- Yes, I still drink chocolate milk with my dinner almost every night of my life.  And yes, I'm aware that I'm no longer in elementary school.  Judge all you want.
• Skippy Peanut Butter -- I really didn't care what kind; I was just glad to see American peanut butter of some sort, because I forgot the jar that I meant to bring with me.  Word to the wise: if you're a peanut butter lover and you ever plan on spending any significant amount of time in a foreign country, I highly recommend taking your own with you, just in case you can't find normal peanut butter.  More often than not, the peanut butter you buy there will be weird, and it will likely taste like Play-Doh.  And, as it turns out, it's a good thing they have an imported option here, because Kenyan peanut butter (along with a whole bunch of other things) is suspected of being contaminated with high levels of aflatoxins.  I could give you a science lesson, but I'll spare those of you who don't care.  Read HERE if you're curious.  Bottom line: not good.
• Spaghetti Sauce -- This isn't something I'd normally get terribly excited about, but it took me literally a month to find it.  As in, I just found it at the store yesterday.  There will be some yummy dinner in this house this week.  And finally NOT of the grilled cheese and (powdered) tomato soup variety.
• Ramen Noodles -- Again, not anything I'm throwing a parade over, and not anything I'd have ever even given a second glance in the store, but when Emily and her friends were here, they were really stoked to see them, so I caved as well.  And let's be honest...who doesn't like to re-live their middle school years every now and then?  What's funny is that the color code still rings true, even in Kenya.  Orange pack = chicken flavor.
  Red = beef.  Pink = shrimp.  Don't lie.  You know you know them.
• Nature's Valley Granola Bars -- Variety pack!
• Babybel & Laughing Cow Cheese -- Music to a cheese addict's ears!
• Nutella --  I don't believe there is any elaboration necessary here... 
• Oreos -- Ditto.
• Kit-Kat -- Ditto again. 

NOM NOM NOM...

Notice a trend with the things that stand out as important to me??  Give me edible food and the occasional delicious treat, and I could probably be happy just about anywhere.  And I promise I don't always eat crap -- if you look past the pile of high fructose corn syrup, you can see my fruit/vegetable bowl in the background  :)

The Have-Nots...

• Sidewalks -- Yeah.  Not so much on the concern for pedestrians around here...which is kind of surprising because there are a LOT of people walking, all the time.  That goes for any sort of crosswalks, or even a place where it makes sense to cross the street too.  You just kind of make a mad dash for it whenever there's a break in the aforementioned hellacious traffic (AKA, find a pack of locals crossing the same street and follow their lead) and hope someone doesn't kill you.  It's a miracle there aren't more casualties of street-crossing.
• Soup -- I mentioned powdered tomato soup earlier.  It's true.  And it's only semi-edible...as in, dip your sandwich in it, but don't bother with a spoon.  I don't know what it is about this country, but there is not a can of soup to be found anywhere.  Only these weird little packets where you boil water and then mix it in.  Not recommended for anyone who actually likes soup.
• Egg-Crates -- You know, the things that make your bed squishier.  I'm used to it now, but let's just say that my apartment mattress feels a wee bit like I'm sleeping on a conference table.  One day early on, I poked my head into Westgate Mall's version of Bed, Bath, & Beyond (it even looks the same!) to see if they had an egg-crate-ish thing to remedy my problem.  Nope.  Nada.  No egg-crates.  No mattress pads.  The best I could've rigged up was to get another duvet and just sleep on top of it like a feather bed, with it all rumpled under my fitted sheet.  I guess everyone around here just sleeps on conference tables...
• Streaming -- Of ANYTHING.  TV show episodes.  Radio.  Live sports broadcasts (sound or  video).  Pandora. Nothing.  It's like, "You're in Africa.  Therefore, you're not allowed to see/hear/do anything.  Sorry.  Get back to us once you're re-joined the real world."  Rude.  Unless, of course, you're an IT genius who knows how to spoof IP addresses to trick the internet into thinking that you're actually somewhere else.  If you are indeed one of these people, do let me know, will you?  All of my shows are starting up for the fall, and I am rapidly running out of DVDs to watch.

"The video you are trying to watch cannot be viewed from your
current country or location" -- Welcome to my life.

• Mosquitoes -- This one makes no sense to me.  I'm currently taking a giant $10-a-dose pink pill every day so that I don't die of malaria.  My bed has a MOSQUITO NET around it, for God's sake.  Yet, I have not seen ONE mosquito since I've been in this country.  And this is coming from the QUEEN of mosquito bites.  I mean, if there is a mosquito within 5 miles of me, it will seek me out, and it WILL bite me.  Probably 4 or 5 times.  And then, it will go get all of its family members and invite them along to the picnic.  At home, I can't walk to the mailbox and back without bug spray on, or I'll get 10 new mosquito bites in the 45 seconds it takes me to get the mail.  Sometimes I get bit while I'm still in the shower.  It's that bad, people.  So I really don't get my good mosquito fortune here?  Maybe it's the Denver-esque elevation, but I could definitely get used to this not-being-mosquito-food thing.  It rules.
• Formal Trash Pick-Up -- I'm not sure of all of the details on this one, but so far as Aaron explains it to me, there's really no "garbage man" situation here.  I don't know what normal people do with their trash (maybe they organize it privately?), but you will quite commonly see tiny piles of burning stuff on the side of the road.  Just burning, by itself.  Usually unattended.  That's awesome.  My favorite is when the people who hang out on the side of the road down the street from my building decide to burn their stuff.  Every night.  And all of their smoke comes billowing in my not-so-adequately-sealed windows.  I may or may not have actually used my sleeping mask as a surgical mask-ish nose shield on more than one occasion, simply because I couldn't breath.  In my own house.  Stellar.
• Sports -- As we've addressed, I have a bit of a ESPN problem.  Particularly when it comes to football.  Thus, I am none too thrilled to be in a country where no one cares about anything but soccer.  YAAAAAWN.  And not even their own soccer.  It's all the British Premiere League or the European Champions League.  Every now and then I'll notice a game with Nigeria or Uganda or Ghana playing, but overwhelmingly, they seem content to watch people in countries thousands of miles away play a game that's as slow as Christmas.  And then, every now and then, my soccer-only TV will sprinkle in a cricket match.  Oh, hooray!  The only thing worse than an overdose of soccer!  A "sport" where people dress up in sweater vests.  Oh man.  Get me back to the land of real sports, before my brain shuts down completely...
• Milkshakes -- Ahh, the Great Milkshake Debate.  Aaron's specialty.  Also one of the very first things he taught me when I got here:  "Do NOT order a milkshake from anywhere but Java House.  They will all tell you that they're good, but they're all lying.  The rest of them SUCK.  They're thin and runny...basically really cold chocolate milk.  Java House is the only place who makes a proper milkshake, because it's owned by an American."  Apparently, Aaron has ordered a milkshake off of just about every menu in Nairobi and had an extensive pre-ordering conversation with the server about the proper thickness of a milkshake, the difficulty one should have in getting the milkshake up through the straw, etc. on each occasion.  Every time, they guarantee him that "ohh yes, our milkshakes are very thick, like ice cream," and every time, he walks away livid.  Java House has yet to be de-throned as the Nairobi Milkshake Mecca, but we discovered a new cafe last week who gave Aaron the same song and dance about how good theirs are.  We'll see how that goes.  I don't think they realize they're dealing with an official Milkshake Mensa...  

OH!  One last thing to add to the Have column -- Baby Sundsmo!  Kaleb Wesley Sundsmo made his debut yesterday morning at 1:30 am, weighing 7.9 pounds...just in time to make his due date.  Aaron's assessment is that, while there are traits of both he and Kaarli, so far he "mostly just looks like a baby."  I  think this is because Captain Competitive doesn't want to lose.  To me, he looks just like Kaarli  :)

Happy Birthday, sweet boy!